yep, that's what i'm in... i stink! jct is one week away and what have i actually done? just a teeny bit more than nothing. haven't done my new compo and not to mention editing the previous ones, haven't studied a single thing for mep. and it doesn't help when i think of how the recitals are going to pull me down. plus i still owe ms chew the paul h lang essay. that was from weeks ago! know nothing about maths except differentiation... and for chem... only one single chapter covered. chem prac on friday... i did read through the notes but what's the use of that? my stupid brain can't remember anything when i need it to. argh... what happened to that brain that could remember the important points even if it was last minute cramming the night before an exam? i don't have to wait for the jct results to be out. i already know how it'll be... but i wish it wouldn't turn out that way.

i've often asked myself what's the use of slogging over maths, chem and gp and all that crap when all i ever wanted is to study music. isn't there any other way to get to that? i guess... if u're talented or rich... but i'm neither. i'm less than mediocre when it comes to talent and obviously i'm not some rich kid either. and then there's the question of what'll happen after u study music. what am i going to do? i can't play in orchestras, sing in choirs and obviously i won't be good enough to be a pianist. and then even if i really could compose, which would probably turn out to be another stupid dream, there's no need for me in this little island that does not demand new works. i guess it'll just be a qualification so that i can find some job that will help me support the family. then why should i be so picky about doing music? why not get mediocre results, get into any nus or ntu faculty that will take me, graduate and get a job? i just know i won't be happy doing that. but i also wonder whether i'll be happy doing music. it's true that i love music but when u have to work yourself very hard and still not achieve satisfactory results, it takes lots of passion and discipline for u to keep up with the struggle. if i ever had enough discipline, i wouldn't have landed myself in this plight and right now i know the passion is really dying...