went for the gathering at miss ching's house today... never thought it would make me ponder so much about what i'm going to do after jc. listening to all her older students' experiences made me realise that being passionate about and interested in music is totally different from being good in a music-related profession. one of them did mention that music is not really a stable job... which i think applies more to performers and such, so doesn't bother me that much. but she also said that u have to consider the many things you have to sacrifice in order to do music, and about being the oddball among friends. the latter is quite alright with me, since in our time it's not as extreme a situation as hers... though classmates may question u with wonder and amusement about why and how are u ever going to earn a living on music alone, there are more aspiring "musical people" around to hang out with now. and if worse comes to worse, let people stare. what's wrong with earning a decent living doing what u enjoy?

as for the sacrifice... i dun think i have sacrificed enough to justify that i have invested heavily towards a career in music. though miss ching thinks i'm hardworking enough in terms of practising, i'm totally trailing compared to others who spent like 3 hours a day at the piano! oh, and i'm a super slacker though people think i practise alot... totally not true! hmm well miss ching does say that hard work is not everything, it's not going to bring u success. that's where the problem is. i need to listen... i'm trying hard to squeeze in some listening time into my super-tight schedule, which is quite impossible, so i end up playing recordings while i rush through my homework or revision. that's totally equal to not listening at all, it just makes me feel better that at least i put something on. sigh. well... that just shows i haven't been able to sacrifice some of my time to listen and thus improve my playing...

another thing the student mentioned was how she won some competition yet two years later was so overcome by fear that she withdrew from another competition. she talked about how it was really devastating for her and how she began to move away from music. i can relate to how she felt... sometimes when u go for lesson after lesson and exam after exam yet don't show signs of improvement, it's totally demoralising. just makes me feel like... is it worth it to go through all these just because i used to score well in music exams? or... what am i doing? there are other things i could possibly do without having to put in as much effort.

on the other hand, exam results constantly reassure me that my choice is not wrong. afterall, mep is always the subject with the highest score among the other subjects. and though i should be humble and thank my ex-piano teacher for my grade 8 theory and my theory teacher for my AmusTCL, these results also prove to me that i'm not that useless and that i can make it if i just work harder. sometimes i feel convinced that perhaps piano is not exactly my forte, while music theory, analysis and such are better choices. however, there's just this certain sort of attraction in piano that i can't seem to figure out and come to terms with.

well, so much for "random musings"... hahahaha back to compo again... sigh, another prove of how slack i am. only barely just finished my third compo! need to at least edit one of the other two to show ms chew tomorrow. and haven't started the harmony exercise 8... bleargh.