last band prac on sat.... dunno wat to feel... quite sad that i may never play a euphonium again. but on the other hand it means being free from having to worry about every single note... no more intonation work... bleah... hate to have to use lipping to sharpen or flatten consecutive notes. in the first place i wonder why i even joined band... but i can't deny that it has left me with many pleasant experiences and memories. though i'm happy that i'll be free from band pracs, i'm already starting to miss playing in band. the fact that euphos are not required in orchestras makes it feel worse... we're almost worthless, unless some weird conductor wants to play any ulu eupho concerto... but even so i'm not up to standard to play anyways.

at piano lesson... technically better esp for places where i couldn't quite manage before. but emotionally it was the same as before... or issit worse? i can feel it when i sing the thing to myself... it just doesn't sound the same when i play on the piano. miss ching said i have the details but no temperament while kankan has temperament but no details... she said if only we could donate some to each other. but good idea... i could ask kankan how to play with emotions... though i believe she already told me before to sing the melody. miss ching also said... definitely u've improved, but that is not good enough for you. you are too intellectual (yar, rite... if only that was true)... you must let the music go from ur heart to ur fingers, not from ur brain to ur fingers.

took the colour quiz at www.colorquiz.com... kankan was so excited to know what my results are but the school's network was down... lousy... so too bad for her. generally i think the quiz is quite accurate... sorta fits into what i feel but i never realised that that's how my feelings are described when put into words... there was just a sort of feeling i couldn't describe.

=Your Existing Situation=
Relatively inactive and in a static condition, while conflict of one sort or another prevents peace of mind. Unable to achieve relationships of the desired degree of mutual affection and understanding.
[relatively inactive and static... true for my tutorials and emotional depth of my playing... i can't pinpoint the conflict preventing peace of mind... as for relationships... i dunno, it has always been that i would have friends but never close enough to really understand each other very well]

=Your Stress Sources=
Is responsive to outside stimuli and wants to experience everything intensely, but is finding the existing situation extremely frustrating. Needs sympathetic understanding and a sense of security. Distressed by her apparently powerlessness to achieve her goals.
[i really dunno what's the "existing situation" that's making me frustrated... quite true that i need sympathetic understanding but then i dun usually confide in pple ley. sense of security... quite true... esp what miss ching said about how i'm afraid to show emotions in my playing. my goals... now i'm not even sure of them anymore... feel a strong urge to lower them]

=Your Restrained Characteristics=
Feels that she is receiving less than her share and that there is no one on who she can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions make her quick to take offense, but she realizes that she has to make the best of things as they are.
Insists that her goals are realistic and sticks obstinately to them, even though circumstances are forcing her to compromise. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner.
[receiving less than my share... i dunno if i even deserve that much. true that i have lots of pent-up emotions... BEWARE... in case the dormant volcano erupts someday. wish i could find some way to express the emotions in my playing... that would help relieve tension and also improve the playing. do i take offense quickly??? sorry to those i've offended because of my pent-up emotions, i hope there are not many of these pple around. still wondering about my goals and i dunno about the standards i apply to my choice of a partner... what are my standards in the first place?]

=Your Desired Objective=
Badly in need of rest and relaxation, freedom from conflict, and the chance to recover. Wants to protect herself against destructive and exhausting influences. Longs for security and freedom from problems.
[maybe this explains why i love quiet places and dream of spending time in solitude away from everything]

=Your Actual Problem=
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This sense of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which she can relax and recover.
[quite true about escaping... i'm forever daydreaming and living in some place in my dreams.]

=Your Actual Problem #2=
Wishes to safeguard herself against criticism and to entrench herself in a stable and secure position; but is herself inclined to be critical of others and difficult to please.
[oops... am i too critical and difficult to please? hmmm... sorry to those i've been too critical to... and those who encountered difficulties trying to please me]