It's another ranting post again... it's going to be a yawn etc etc so skip it if u want. I've just been having such thoughts in my head nowadays, I dunno why. But I just can't help thinking that studying here is pointless. Told you it's going to be a bore. It always is with such topics.

It's not like I'm not happy to be studying music, and overseas somemore! I'm really contented with what I'm doing now, really. Just that the other voice always reminds me that so what if I'm contented with this? It's not going to last forever, it's only three short years that will whiz by soon enough. And then what am I going to do after that?

Obviously, I'll have to go back to Singapore and earn money to repay those loans. And I'm well aware that the few job options open to me would be a) teaching in some school (if they still need music teachers by then) or b) teaching privately. Wow, what a wide range of choices! Of course, I forgot to mention I could also choose from a variety of other jobs like waitressing, administrative stuff etc. But that would be defeating the purpose of studying music in UK. I might as well get on a plane now, fly back to Singapore and start looking for a job. But then again, if I actually decide to teach privately one could also argue that I might as well have not studied in UK. I could just have started that after As, and at the same time just do all the diplomas that Trinity and AB offers. Or at most just settled for the much-less-expensive choice of studying in NAFA. Back to the point: I don't think I'm justified to be studying here, though it's probably going to be the best time of my life... something that will give me great memories to treasure forever.

I think it all sort of boils down to money. Just imagine, if I was sponsored, I probably wouldn't be going through this i'm-feeling-guilty-for-wasting-money crap in my head. I think I wouldn't have minded being bonded to some company or whatever. Ya, I know that's a really selfish notion, but still. Don't tell me everyone who was sponsored to study overseas really had the company's interests on their minds. In the first place they probably applied for scholarships because that would help pay for their courses, and even if they were rich people... in the employer's eyes it's probably still more prestigious to have been a scholar right? Anyway, no offence meant to scholars here, it's purely a ranting session.

Actually, come to think of it, I think I have totally no sense of direction in life. I have no goals and aims and things like that. Unless you count hoping to go on a tour around the world... but I think that's more of a dream, and quite an impossible one too. It probably won't come true for me but whatever, it's still a nice dream to hold on to. Heh you just got to have that something that at least cheers you up a little sometimes, even if you know it's too ambitious. =)

Haiyah... I really don't know what's the point of life. We just study, work, retire, and then ultimately die. It always makes me think, why should we be here at all? Why don't we just not exist if all we do on earth is to slog on and on yet in the end we'll all just die? But there are also beautiful things in life to appreciate, like sunsets, sunrise... great friends... sweet little kids (sorry, I've just been reading a mr brown post on his children)... and so much more. It's always a bit of a bittersweet thing when I think of how life is beautiful yet it's also transient.

Kaez, I shall stop here before this post sounds too despondent. Anyway, I've put some of my photos on shutterfly... you can view them at www.debussy.shutterfly.com.

Merry Christmas! =)